Monday or Tuesday

It dawned on her just as she was placing those final three dots on the piece of paper.

Funny thing is, sometimes what seems like a scribbled napkin to a stranger passing by, can actually be a love letter, a heartfelt confession or a cry for help. 

I'm pretty sure we've all been there, but don't quote me on that. 

She briefly thought about wiping her tears, but she shook her head and decided to wear them proudly as she walked down the street. 

She gathered her few belongings and hastily reapplied her Ruby Woo lipstick, which she was sure matched beautifly with the moment even though it contrasted with her running mascara. Waterproof is just a word that gets tossed around in the advertisement industry, after all.

When the waiter wished her a good day, she just nodded in silence. She didn't say "you too" because sarcasm is one of those things that you seem to lose when you feel lost yourself.

For some reason her own footsteps sounded awkward to her, as if she had suddenly forgotten how to walk. I mean, yeah, it was as simple as putting one foot ahead of the other and she knew that. Rinse and repeat.

As she started to muster these thoughts, she became dangerously self aware. How could she forget how to walk if it was as simple as breathing?
"Oh God, but what about breathing?", she thought in a pang of sudden panic.

Funny thing is, when you're consciously breathing, you begin to worry about inhaling too much or exhaling too little; and before you know it you're sweating and panicked about your heartbeats and about how awkward your tongue just sits there in your mouth like a motherfucker.

She stood in the middle of the street and decided to just stop -being-, even if only for a few seconds. She closed her eyes.

"Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on?", said every tech guy in the universe.

Funny thing is, it worked.

She flashed a quick smile to no one in particular and continued walking.
"Anxiety attack" is an ugly term when you think of it; she much preferred "Unexpected self-inflicted sabotage of the feelings". 

Reaching for her purse she found a pair of vintage Ray Bans and put them over her baby blues, still thinking about that piece of paper. 

Surely by now it'd have flown with the wind, hitting some unsuspecting stranger in the face; maybe even a couple of young lovers holding hands to numb the pain, gripping tightly to something that they'd never own.

"I'm not a bad man", she heard him say over and over again.

She tried to lock him out as she walked down the street, but so far she was having as much luck as a blind busker trying to earn his living drawing caricatures.

You know how sometimes you think to yourself how the breeze is real nice today but after a couple of songs on your iPod you're now chilly and wish you had listened to every mom in history and put on a sweater? 

Well, right now, while rubbing her own arms for warmth, she certainly wished she'd have listened to hers.

The sound of the not-so-distant waves brought her back to reality. "Getting close, 'atta girl", she mumbled.

Funny thing is, when she woke up today, a trip to the beach was the last thing on her mind.

Her Jimmy Choos were not as comfortable as their price tag would have you believe, so she took them off. The feeling of sand between her toes was strangely off-putting.

A jolt of nostalgia ran through her body all of a sudden.
If she had to assign it a color, blue would definitely have been it. Clichés are clichés for a reason.

What was the name of that sticky candy she liked so much as a kid? 

"Salt water taffy", she heard herself say.

Yeah, that was it. God, she hadn't had one of those in forever.

She didn't know for how long she just stood there, watching the water come and go; wishing she could be more like the sea foam and less like everything she had ever been.

"Well, here goes nothing", she thought to herself while taking her first steps into the sea.

Funny thing is, we always think our parting thoughts will be all deep and meaningful and moving; and not "God damn, this water's cold as fuck"

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, some napkin was just laying on the floor; crumbled, filthy and unread.

"I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been..."

Funny thing is, she never even was that big of a Virginia Woolf fan.

I find it funny

This one time, when I was a kid, I was walking down the street with an ice cream cone. Being the clumsy big-headed kid that I was, I tripped and dropped it.
My dad saw it all happen and immediately bought me a new one. I was so busy smiling and being happy that I dropped it again.

This other time, I was getting off the car to go to school. It was REALLY early because I had to get there earlier so I could rehearse for a stupid play they made me lead.
Somehow I ended up falling asleep in the 2 seconds it took me to get off the car, so I fell on my face right there on the curb.

I once had this breath spray and was trying to use it. I ended up miscalculating and spraying my eyes.
It stung like a motherfucker, but they were minty-fresh for the rest of the day.

I stutter so much because I happen to lose my train of thought constantly. Call it ADD or call it being a dumbass, but I like to call it a regular day in the life.

My toes are permanently fucked up because I keep banging them into things that haven't been moved in forever. You'd think that I'd have learnt my lesson by now, but you'd be wrong.

I'm constantly tripping, stumbling, dropping things and fumbling whatever happens to be in my hands.
The 5 second rule is my bread and butter, and the floor always ends up getting the best part of my meals cause my pulse is horrible and I can't hold a fork for my life.

Even though I love bunk beds so much, I could never sleep on the top one, because even if it's one of my dreams (which means I'm setting the bar real low for my dreams), I'd fall constantly. At least that's what has happened every single time I've tried it.

I drool when I sleep. I snore, trash and kick.
I constantly make annoying noises and clear my throat. I'm a pain in the ass to sleep next to.

I love chinese food buffets even though I'm not particulary fond of chinese people.
It's a contradiction and a constant fight between my brain and my stomach.

Once I thought I was in the line for the bathroom; and I was, but it was the girl's bathroom. To this very day, I have no idea how I never realized I was the only man there, or how I didn't notice the staring until I got to the door and it all dawned on me.
I still peed. It was glorious.

Back in junior high I was in the basketball team.
I quit not because I sucked (which I did), but because having people seeing my pale legs in short shorts 3 times a week was more than my teenage self-steem could handle.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down for no particular reason, I like to tell myself it's because there must be some escaped Dementors in the area.

I have no idea where anything is located in Central or South America.
I can't name our 32 states, let alone find them in a map; but I can name more than 32 types of beer off the top of my head, so at least there's that, right?

When I'm at random parties meeting random people sometimes I like to tell them I have cancer and only have a few months left to live just to see them squirm and get real uncomfortable. (But hey, we're here to have fun, right? Cheers!)

There are times when I write my deepest secrets on little pieces of paper and leave them in random books of a bookstore.

Back when I used to work in this place that I hated, I got the flu and I felt like dying. I only went to work that day so I could lick all the forks in the lunch room because I hated everyone there.

When I was a kid, my grandma used to take me to the church 'round the corner when there was a wedding so we could criticize the bride and the guests together. She'd buy me cotton candy afterwards. It was my favorite way of bonding with her.

Sometimes I like to wear sunglasses just so people can't see my eyes.
I like to choose who gets to see them because I'm this narcissistic fuck who thinks his eyes are so special that they only deserve to be shared with special people.

Christmas was the only day of the year I loved some of my cousins and uncles. Now they don't even get that, because I'm done playing Santa.

I've had an imaginary friend ever since I was a kid. I still talk to him every now and then, even though he stopped replying when I was 5.

If, when I die, I find out there's a heaven, I can't be certain which of the people I've shared my life with will be part of that heaven, but I sure know I'll be spending eternity with all the pets I've had.

According to my Facebook, I had over 100 friends in my high school, which makes me wonder why I felt so lonely back then.

The few times I've gone to the gym, I always play this game where I get on the treadmill and pretend I'm David Hasselhoff on Baywatch. 

I've never told you this before, but I learnt how to say "I love you" in sign language because I was terrified that if I became a mute for some reason, I wasn't gonna be able to tell you how I felt.

Why am I telling you all of this?
Because I want you to know me. All of me. Every story, every memory, every fact and every dream.

Because I'm clumsy, dumb, selfish and a mess; and for the longest time, I'd look at myself in the mirror and think "Who could ever love this?"
And then you happened.
You happened in my life, and now I wouldn't have it any other way.
I still have so much more to say to you, and I can't wait to tell you everything.

Because it's you.
It makes no difference where we end up living, because you're my home.

Of rain and heights

"C'mon, you can do it!", I said to you while the moon aligned itself with the neon lights.

You looked so pretty I wanted to scream.

"I... I'll try, ok?"

"Do or do not, there is no try", I replied while hoping you'd find my nerdness adorable. Your smile let me know you did, and I sighed with relief.

I looked forward into the darkness. 

As we kept rising slowly, I realized this was becoming one of the best nights I could remember.

You held my hand and I noticed yours was cold. I felt a little bit of guilt as I remembered how you had told me you were afraid of heights. 

And yet, there you were, right by my side.

I turned to you, and you were smiling nervously.

"Are you ready?"

"I... I think so..."

I smiled as I held your hand. This was it.

The rain started to hit our faces as we plunged down into that which we couldn't see.

And even though this wasn't our first time, it certainly felt like it. 

It felt like a first time in many different ways.

"Was it as bad as you thought?", I asked a couple of minutes later when I noticed your hand was still trembling a little bit.

"It was worse... but I had fun", you shot back with the most beautiful smile I had seen in a long long time.

"I really really like you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah. I really really like you too"

And with that, we started to walk under the lights of a carousel that might as well had been in Paris while the rain was still hitting out faces.

And right then and there, I was happy.

Is this it?

Looking back now, it all seems so silly.
I stare at the mirror, trying to find a trace of that young, sweet and innocent boy that I used to call "me" not so long ago.
Surprisingly, what stared back was this weird... man? Am I allowed to call myself a man, now?

"What were you so afraid of?", I asked the reflection, and the only reply I got was the sound of my own voice bouncing on the glass.

Was the real world so bad after all? Was all the fear and the dread justified?
Why did you spend so much time trying to hide from something that would find you no matter what?

I cracked a smile, but for some reason, the mirror didn't seem to smile back at me.

So, is this the real world, then?
Somehow, it's not nearly as scary as I thought it was gonna be.

My eyes wandered off for a minute or two, trying to look back on all the ways my life has changed in the last few months, and when they finally made their way back into the mirror, they saw the scared little boy that I was trying to find a little while ago.

"Cheer up, kiddo, here's a spoiler for you: somehow you manage not to fuck things up too bad, and life won't be half bad", I said to that frail memory.
This time, the mirror smiled back before I could even smile in the first place.

The smile lingered on while I said goodbye to the "me" from a past that's so close, and yet feels so very far.
That smile has been following me around for a couple of weeks now, and to be perfectly honest, it's a smile that I don't ever want to go away.

Yup, I guess life ain't so bad after all.

Hello again

Hi there, little journal.
Yes, you've become my personal journal now, deal with it, rock and roll.

So, days are still going by and I'm just... here. I feel more and more trapped with every single passing day.
I guess you don't realize just how much of a prisoner of circumstances you are until you see the light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel.

I wanna get out of here, man! This fuckin' place is so fuckin' ugly and full of fuckin' fuckers. Damn those motherfuckin' motherfuckers.

On the plus side, I feel like a new man.
Remember all those annoying little crisis I used to have, because I didn't know what I wanted to do with lil old me?
Well, I still have 'em (thanks for asking), but at least I know WHERE I wanna... do with lil old me.
And I guess that means we have 2 out of 3 necessary answers.

What?
I'm afraid I still don't know.

Where?
Oh, I know just the place -insert smiley face-

Why?
Because fuck you, thats why.

I'm so very happy, in a weird, undescribable way.
It's finally coming to an end. Yay!

Testing

So, I thought I should give it a try.
I mean, it's not everyday that you decide what you wanna do with yer life, ennaw?
Well, maybe it IS everyday... if you're me, at least.

I think I'm getting a bit tired of ditching my dreams every couple of weeks, only to realize I have new dreams waiting right at my doorstep. Maybe... maybe this is the one?
Maybe this is THE dream?

To be perfectly honest, I think I always knew in the back of my head, that I was meant to go somewhere else and to live a life that's just not gonna be livable if I stay here and try to fit into that nice little part that every one of my friends and acquantainces seem to be playing so well.
It's just not for me, man.

So, here I am, stuck with those stupid butterflies again, feeling the excitement of the dream of a lifetime, ALL OVER AGAIN.
Geez, Dex, make up your mind, maybe?

The clock starts ticking. T minus 2. Or minus 3. Is anyone keeping count anymore?

Goodbye, Mexico, it's been a pleasure. Only it hasn't.

12 days of christmas, as sung by my girlfriend

"On the first day of christmas, my true love gave to me... absolutely nothing, because he's poor as fuck."

Estúpidos boletos de Radiohead...

Poema a mi estúpida tesis

'Twas the night before turning in my thesis, when all through my house
Not a single fuck was given, not even by my oversized mouse.
Microsoft Word was open in my desktop with care,
In hopes that the end of this torture soon would be there.

I wanted to be nestled all snug in my bed,
While visions of topless dancers appeared in my awesome head.
Dreaming of going to Paris in a cool transatlantic flight,
Had just settled my brain after a hard day’s night.

When out on my patio there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my laptop to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
And muted my iTunes that was playing The Clash.

Distracted by thoughts of girls I wanted to plow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the almighty Facebook, taking me far from my career.

With a flick of the mouse, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, that link I had to click.
More rapid than eagles my distraction it came,
And I whistled, and shouted, and sang Eternal Flame!

"Now Facebook! now, Twitter! now, sites with nude vixens!
On, Reddit! On, Tumblr! on, to the MySpace of Ulises Von Blitzen!
To the top of the interwebs! to the top of my wall!
Wasting my time away! Waste away! Waste away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
To the end of my broadband my downloads they flew,
With Ares full of songs, and some movies too.

And then, in a twinkling, I remembered my proof
I had to finish my thesis, I had to stop being aloof.
As I knew it in my head, and was turning around,
I returned to work with unbereable resound.

I was dressed all in hipster, from my head to my foot,
And my clothes were all tarnished with vintage and soot.
A very cool hat I had flung on my head,
I looked pretty sexy, as sang by Right Said Fred.

My eyes-how they twinkled! my smile how merry!
My cheeks were like roses, my nose like a cherry!
My droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of my chin, it was awesome, y'know?

The stump of a pot pipe held tight in my teeth,
And the smoke it expelled just lingered beneath.
Then the munchies came, and I craved some green jelly,
I always forget how weed makes me merry.

Handsome like that guy called Legolas the elf
No one can really compare to myself!
A wink of my eye and a twist of my head,
Soon gives people the know they have nothing to dread.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And filled all the pages, then turned with a jerk.
And laying my finger aside of my keyboard,
I finished my thesis, even though I was bored.

Not a single book was open, not on my watch
A kickass thesis I had made, like one of dem sasquatch.
And finally I exclaimed, with elegance and class:
"Happy Thesis to all, and to all, kiss my ass!"

6 days

Just 6 more days.

I miss you.

Cold turkey

Wonsaponatime there was a working class hero who wanted to give power to the people, so he asked us to imagine a world of peace, love, and truth; to give peace a chance.

Do you want to know a secret, from me to you?
All you need is love, so love me do.
And whether the music was acoustic or Rock 'N' Roll, he walked the long and winding road to leave her out his rubber soul.

With his old brown shoe he broke walls and bridges down, made us come together, caused us all to twist and shout; he was the one to tell us what goes on: number nine, number nine, revolution.

He was a paperback writer, as well as penned and versed; his best known publication was a spaniard in the works, and in his own write, he would write and write and write, 'cause you should do whatever gets you thru the night.

Every man has a woman who loves him more than any other, but for this boy who'd compare her to John Lennon's mother, she's a woman named Yoko; she's something new, so hold on John, because she loves you.
This is real love, no more cover versions, their love was just like starting over two virgins; he was happier than anybody had ever seen, but the boys at Abbey Road didn't want to let it be.

He went to live in New York City but he lived on borrowed time, living life with the lions he was shot by a jealous guy with a revolver, but don't ask me why life is little more than hello goodbye...

My, what a souvenir of their visit to America: now he's going to Strawberry Fields forever.
Hardly instant karma, but calm your nerves, 'cause this beautiful boy is now as free as a bird...

Happy Xmas
(War is over)

I'm done waiting

Our "once upon a time" ended without a "happily ever after"
Our story ended almost as abruptly as it had begun: you made your way out of my life faster than you made your way in.

You showed me that some love stories have a far less romantic ending than I'd ever want to admit.
The worst part is that I still don't understand the grand finale...

Really? That's it?
No unforgettable kiss under the rain?, no bedside promises spoken calmly while one of us slips out of this world?, not even sharing a couple of tears while we tell each other that everything's going to be alright?

Funny... I always thought that we'd get a much better ending than just a couple of hasty mails stating half-assed truths.
Heh, sometimes life sucks like that.

Well, several months have passed, and I really think we're done. We're through. We've finally moved on.

I want to apologize, though.

I'm sorry for clinging to a memory for so long.
I should have realized that we were completely different persons than when we first met, and completely different persons than when we were together.
We grew so much... we both changed, in a lot of ways.
We changed so much, in fact, that we just drifted apart eventually.

Suddenly, we woke up, and we no longer were meant for each other.
One day, our lives began to take their separate ways.
The fucked-up thing is that we didn't notice; not for a long time.

I spent SO many hours thinking about where it had all gone to hell, trying to pinpoint the exact moment in time when we fucked everything up.
Somehow, I felt as if locating that moment, could be the thing that saved us.
Well, it turns out that there was no exact moment after all.
We just grew apart. It really is that simple.

Still, I kept trying to think that we still shared a future. I wanted it SO badly...
I guess you were the first one to realize that it just wasn't gonna happen... you were always the strong one, after all...

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not realizing sooner, and for being so pushy, and for being so hopelessly hopeful.
Things really would have been better off if I had just opened my eyes.

Thank you, for everything.
I really do wish you the very best.
May you be as happy as you always made me feel.

So, if you ever end up reading this, good morning.
And in case I don't see you, good evening, good night, and good life.

Moments

Seasons come and go, and people come and go.

Does it have to be like that? Must everyone leave eventually?

You stare at the wall for a couple of seconds, and then you blink, confused.
You certainly wish someone had warned you when you first stepped into this world.

This is something you'll tell your children, for sure:
"Champ, you shouldn't get too attached to a person, ever. People come and go. That's life for you, son. Now get out there and break your heart. Oh, don't worry about the pain, you'll get used to it eventually, believe me"

You shake your head, and snap out of it.
"So, you're growing older, is that so bad?", you say out loud, trying to convince yourself.

"So, everything's changing, people are fading away, and nothing will ever be the same... what about it?"
You're not doing a very good job...

Suddenly, everything that's happened in the last few days, comes racing back. It's overwhelming.
People dying, people leaving, people getting pregnant, goodbyes, broken promises, lost forevers.

Fuck. Fuck everything.
This was not supposed to happen. Not for a long time, at least.

You're still a kid!
How can everything feel so definitive and carved in stone when you're just a kid?

You feel like life has been cheating; but then, you take a look in the mirror.

I guess you're not a kid anymore.
Well... this certainly sucks.

Of epiphanies

Have you ever felt like your life was... frozen?

Suddenly, you wake up, but you don't open your eyes.
Instead, you just lay there for a couple of minutes, and you let your mind wander.

When did everything change?
When did you become this person?

Nevermind that, the real question here is: who is this person?

You finally open your eyes, and everything kicks in:
It's the same old room, it's the same old bed, it's the same old roof, and it's the same old life.

But if nothing's changed, then why does everything feel completely different now?

You rub your eyes, and you turn your head to look at the clock.
It's 3 AM, it's no wonder you're feeling so lonely...

Closing your eyes again, you try to fall asleep, but dreamland seems so far away now...

Suddenly, everything that's been worrying you, comes to mind in a single second.
The night is so cold, and you are so alone...

Not knowing what to do, you begin to hum the first song that comes to mind. You find yourself humming a lullaby that you heard oh so long ago...

You fake a smile, to no one in particular.

It's the same old room, it's the same old bed, it's the same old roof, and it's the same old life.
But you're not the same old you.

You slowly drift away, as sleep crawls back into your body.

In one final thought, you pray not to wake up with tears running down your face.