This one time, when I was a kid, I was walking down the street with an ice cream cone. Being the clumsy big-headed kid that I was, I tripped and dropped it.
My dad saw it all happen and immediately bought me a new one. I was so busy smiling and being happy that I dropped it again.
This other time, I was getting off the car to go to school. It was REALLY early because I had to get there earlier so I could rehearse for a stupid play they made me lead.
Somehow I ended up falling asleep in the 2 seconds it took me to get off the car, so I fell on my face right there on the curb.
I once had this breath spray and was trying to use it. I ended up miscalculating and spraying my eyes.
It stung like a motherfucker, but they were minty-fresh for the rest of the day.
I stutter so much because I happen to lose my train of thought constantly. Call it ADD or call it being a dumbass, but I like to call it a regular day in the life.
My toes are permanently fucked up because I keep banging them into things that haven't been moved in forever. You'd think that I'd have learnt my lesson by now, but you'd be wrong.
I'm constantly tripping, stumbling, dropping things and fumbling whatever happens to be in my hands.
The 5 second rule is my bread and butter, and the floor always ends up getting the best part of my meals cause my pulse is horrible and I can't hold a fork for my life.
Even though I love bunk beds so much, I could never sleep on the top one, because even if it's one of my dreams (which means I'm setting the bar real low for my dreams), I'd fall constantly. At least that's what has happened every single time I've tried it.
I drool when I sleep. I snore, trash and kick.
I constantly make annoying noises and clear my throat. I'm a pain in the ass to sleep next to.
I love chinese food buffets even though I'm not particulary fond of chinese people.
It's a contradiction and a constant fight between my brain and my stomach.
Once I thought I was in the line for the bathroom; and I was, but it was the girl's bathroom. To this very day, I have no idea how I never realized I was the only man there, or how I didn't notice the staring until I got to the door and it all dawned on me.
I still peed. It was glorious.
Back in junior high I was in the basketball team.
I quit not because I sucked (which I did), but because having people seeing my pale legs in short shorts 3 times a week was more than my teenage self-steem could handle.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down for no particular reason, I like to tell myself it's because there must be some escaped Dementors in the area.
I have no idea where anything is located in Central or South America.
I can't name our 32 states, let alone find them in a map; but I can name more than 32 types of beer off the top of my head, so at least there's that, right?
When I'm at random parties meeting random people sometimes I like to tell them I have cancer and only have a few months left to live just to see them squirm and get real uncomfortable. (But hey, we're here to have fun, right? Cheers!)
There are times when I write my deepest secrets on little pieces of paper and leave them in random books of a bookstore.
Back when I used to work in this place that I hated, I got the flu and I felt like dying. I only went to work that day so I could lick all the forks in the lunch room because I hated everyone there.
When I was a kid, my grandma used to take me to the church 'round the corner when there was a wedding so we could criticize the bride and the guests together. She'd buy me cotton candy afterwards. It was my favorite way of bonding with her.
Sometimes I like to wear sunglasses just so people can't see my eyes.
I like to choose who gets to see them because I'm this narcissistic fuck who thinks his eyes are so special that they only deserve to be shared with special people.
Christmas was the only day of the year I loved some of my cousins and uncles. Now they don't even get that, because I'm done playing Santa.
I've had an imaginary friend ever since I was a kid. I still talk to him every now and then, even though he stopped replying when I was 5.
If, when I die, I find out there's a heaven, I can't be certain which of the people I've shared my life with will be part of that heaven, but I sure know I'll be spending eternity with all the pets I've had.
According to my Facebook, I had over 100 friends in my high school, which makes me wonder why I felt so lonely back then.
The few times I've gone to the gym, I always play this game where I get on the treadmill and pretend I'm David Hasselhoff on Baywatch.
I've never told you this before, but I learnt how to say "I love you" in sign language because I was terrified that if I became a mute for some reason, I wasn't gonna be able to tell you how I felt.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Because I want you to know me. All of me. Every story, every memory, every fact and every dream.
Because I'm clumsy, dumb, selfish and a mess; and for the longest time, I'd look at myself in the mirror and think "Who could ever love this?"
And then you happened.
You happened in my life, and now I wouldn't have it any other way.
I still have so much more to say to you, and I can't wait to tell you everything.
Because it's you.
It makes no difference where we end up living, because you're my home.